How to have Tantric Sex without a Partner

Photo by Franciele Cunha on Unsplash

Photo by Franciele Cunha on Unsplash

Tantric sex is a mysterious invitation.

You may have heard about it from movies like American Pie or from a quote from Sting. Perhaps you eye it with curiosity and, especially after the effects of a long-term relationship set in, would like to give it a go.

However, persuading your partner to try it can be… daunting. Though many of us are curious, just as many are turned off by the idea of it. Your partner may assume it involves a lot of chanting, makes them go more slowly than they’d like, requires a lot of talking, and other things that are massive turn-offs for them.

It’s a cosmic joke that these two types of people tend to end up in relationships together. The playful, spiritual nature of one complimenting the pragmatic, rational nature of the other.

This dynamic around Tantric sex has the unfortunate consequence of making it seem like your partner (I’m assuming you’re the one interested in Tantric sex if you’re reading this article) is impeding YOUR spiritual growth.

“If only they would get with the program then I could experience chakra-gasms, universal orgasms, sex magic, and ultimately enlightenment.” - Every Cock-Blocked Tantric Practitioner Ever.

Thus the nagging, complaining, and resentment on both sides begins.

Even more insidiously, this leads to you giving your power away. Once you have decided that your spiritual awakening is determined by another, be it your partner, your guru, your priest, whatever, you have a 0% chance of getting there.

I’m gonna bust a myth here. There is absolutely no reason that you need a partner to do Tantric sex. In fact, Tantric sex is even better when it’s solo. I know because this is how I first got into it.

When I first discovered Tantra I was at the tail-end of a nasty relationship. In fact, the conflict described above helped end it. Once I got back on the dating market I was determined to date someone who was also interested in trying Tantric sex. However, it turned out that most people on the dating market in my area weren’t interested in it either. Relationship after relationship there was still no Tantra.

Eventually, I took matters into my own hands. I decided to learn and do as much on my own as I possibly could, Kama Sutra be damned. I learned common techniques, such as moving your sexual energy and pussy massage. If I found a practice that was designed for couples, I used my intuition to adapt it for solo practice.

This opened up a whole new world for me. In general, Tantra is a gorgeous path for spiritual growth. I learned how to open my chakras, heal my trauma, and pray with my pussy. But because I did it on my own this had an even deeper effect.

I had no partner to project all of this onto, so I learned how to make love to the Universe itself. It was just me, my body, and the Divine. No priest, no scriptures, no partner, no intermediary. I had a teacher and resources guiding me in general but when it came to my practice time, it was all me.

By taking the leap by myself, I magnetized a partner that does have Tantric sex with me (sometimes). It’s gorgeous to share some of my most cherished experiences with the love of my life, but I am so grateful that I learned how to kiss the Divine on my own. As epic as my partnered moments can be, my solo experiences are what help me awaken.

In addition, I don’t have to rely on him being interested in Tantric sex on a given night. Because of my solo foundation, we can have two different experiences of the same sexual encounter. I can choose to incorporate some Tantric elements and he can choose not to. This allows me to have a Tantric experience and simultaneously allows him to have an “as usual” experience. We both win.

The solo-route is also a powerful reclamation.

Masturbation means “to defile yourself with your hands”, and is rarely seen as a positive thing. By redefining this as a potentially spiritual experience, you redefine it in your own terms. By saying your pleasure is holy, you build the embodied experience to see yourself and your body as holy, good, and beautiful.

Over time, this can lead to spiritual awakening. The more you accept and love yourself, the more free you are. Ultimately, Tantric sex isn’t about a series of ancient positions. It’s a spiritual practice that shows you the sacredness behind everything. Starting with what’s in your pants.

If you want to try solo Tantric sex, here’s a basic practice to get you started.

  1. Set up your space as if you were going to make love to your celebrity crush. Candles, incense, music, soft blankets, silk sheets, you name it. In addition, take what steps you can to make yourself feel physically and emotionally safe in the space, such as locking the door and silencing your phone.

    Technically, this is set-up is optional. However, it makes a huge difference, especially if you’re new to this.

  2. Sit in a meditative position and take a few deep breaths and come into the present moment. If you took measures to ensure your safety and privacy, mentally review those actions and consciously notice how safe and private you are.

  3. When you’re ready, set your intention. It may be helpful to speak it out loud. “My intention is to experience Tantric Sex” or “my intention is to touch Source with my sexuality” are just a few examples.

  4. Slowly and deliciously start pleasuring yourself. Try doing this without porn or fantasy if you can. (If you can’t, that’s ok too). Let your focus be on how incredible the pleasure itself feels. Don’t just “jerk off” or “rub out” but really make love to yourself.

  5. As you start to feel turn-on, imagine that you can push and pull your turn-on with your breath, moving it throughout your body. Visualize your turn-on as a little ball of light.

  6. Slowly inhale. As you breathe in, imagine this ball of light moving up your spine to the top of your head. Slowly exhale. As you breathe out, imagine this ball of light down the front of your body back to your genitals, forming a loop. Even if you don’t feel anything, keep going.

    Pro-tip: It may be helpful to squeeze your pelvic floor muscles on the inhale to give the turn-on a little push.

  7. Keep breathing, pleasuring yourself, and moving the ball of light. Do your best to keep your abdomen loose and relaxed, even as you approach orgasm. (This will allow your pleasure to move beyond your pelvis and through your whole body)

  8. Continue until you feel complete or experience orgasm. Rest in gratitude to yourself and to everything that you experienced.

If you don’t “get it” right away, try again later. It can sometimes take 3 or more repetitions of this practice to really feel the benefit. If you are new to yoga, meditation, and spiritual practices in general, it may take even longer. (But I promise you, it’s worth it.) Be compassionate with yourself and stay curious.

Though it can be a bit tricky to get the hang of, Tantric sex is a beautiful and unbelievably powerful spiritual path. It’s even more potent if you’re brave enough to walk it on your own.

Give it a shot and let me know how it goes. Send an email to michelle@michellekildare.com and I’ll do my best to answer within 24-48 business hours. Good luck!