Life Too Fast? Try Slow Sex
You are not your productivity.
You are worth so much more than how many to-do items you completed today. You are not a machine made of meat, despite what our capitalist society may tell you.
Your salary, gold stars, and skill set do not determine your value. As humans, each one of us contains the soul of the Universe. We are the microcosm of its macrocosm. Like the facet of a diamond, every single one of us contains all the infinite beauty and magic of the cosmos within our eyes. Ultimately, we are miraculous beings of love.
The things left undone at the end of the day can’t put a dent in that.
If you find it hard to wrap your brain around intrinsic worth being disconnected from hard work, you’re not alone. It took me almost a decade to understand this concept. In many ways, it’s still a work in progress.
During high school and college, I completely bought into the story of “only those who work hard will succeed.” However, I took it a step further and defined “hard work” as “working as efficiently and diligently as possible at every moment.”
As a result, I worked myself into the ground, usually only getting 4-6 hours of sleep a night. I always had a full-course load and several jobs, kept 3-5 side projects going on and refused anything less than a 3.9 GPA. Like many, I bragged about how tired I was and how hard I worked. I took a masochistic pride in my overpacked schedule.
As I became sexually active, this worldview seeped into my sex life. I fully bought into the narrative of porn and sex in movies: Sex is supposed to be hard and fast.
I thought real sex was the formulaic foreplay -> penetration -> orgasm. Anything else I experienced I considered less than. I genuinely thought that women who were “good in bed” were instantly wet and, like a machine, reliably orgasmed within 2-5 minutes no matter the skill of their partner.
Deep down, this sexual script convinced me that I was only worth what orgasms I could experience or inspire. It told me that orgasm was the one and only goal of sex and any other experience was just bad sex.
Thankfully, I discovered holistic sexuality and learned the truth about the grand majority of women’s bodies. I learned about the secret pleasures of gentle and subtle. Though it was still a bit of a foreign concept, I followed my pussy’s lead and slowed way down.
I started with how I treated myself when I self-pleasured. Up to that point, I would just rub out with the intention to orgasm as quickly as possible and be done with it. It was deeply unsexy, more of a physical-maintenance chore like brushing my teeth or showering. I was just scratching another to-do off of the list.
But one night, (and many more nights after), I made the intention to make love to myself rather than masturbate the way I had been. I cleaned my bedroom, lit some candles, put on some sexy music, and set aside a full hour for my experience.
My process was simple: stroke every inch of my own skin slowly and intentionally. I tried different strokes: fast, slow, light tickling pressure, scratching, almost painful pressure, and more. I gave myself all the time in the world to get turned on and put no expectation on myself to orgasm.
It ended up being the best sexual experience of my life up to that point.
By seeing how my body responded when she was given the time she truly needed, I had the courage to establish boundaries in partnered sex. I threw out my lube and spent far more time in foreplay, refusing to be penetrated until my body was 100% wet, open, and ready.
I still had fast, intense sex sometimes. But by slowing down I created a beautiful range of sexual possibilities. Rather than playing the same note over and over, I created an entire musical instrument.
At first, my partners would complain that slow was boring. However, similar to the way spending some time avoiding sugar opens up your tongue to experience the true flavors of food, once their bodies adjusted to a more dynamic range of speed they began to appreciate slowness just as much if not more than I did.
By consciously slowing down during sex, I discovered there were countless subtle, hidden pleasures that before were being blasted over by friction. In my hasty pursuit of that explosive orgasm, I was missing so many delicious, but quiet, sensations and delights.
As with many things, little changes in the bedroom ripple out into dramatic changes in the rest of your life. Once I started slowing down during sex, I took my foot off the gas in the rest of my life and started consciously trying to slow down in as many domains as I could.
I quit most of my responsibilities outside of work that I could. I stopped going to parties out of obligation and only spent social time with people I truly loved. I set expectations with my family.
I stopped reading books I didn’t absolutely love within one chapter and threw my new year’s resolutions out the window. I quit every hobby, goal, and side project that didn’t bring me immense joy.
At work, I talked with my boss about reducing my workload. One project and task at a time I managed to delegate a huge chunk of my work responsibility to others. Eventually, I changed departments and then companies for ever-increasing amounts of flexibility and spaciousness.
I started sleeping 8+ hours a night and my joy woke up.
It’s as though I wasn’t actually alive for all those years I was rushing around being so “productive”. By focusing on getting through the day instead of living it, I was completely missing it. I was so focused on what time it was and what I still had left to do that I was numb and oblivious to anything else.
I was too busy for the aliveness, thriving, love, peace, and balance that I was born to feel and deeply craving. My schedule had no space in it for being human. I was so busy trying to do that I forgot how to be.
Life is more than just the appointment blocks in your calendar app. Sex is more than just friction. Productivity and boring quickies are simply not worth it. Slow down and see what pleasure life in and outside of the bedroom has to offer.
If you this hit home and you want to dive deeper, let’s meet! Sign-up for a free consultation. In this call, I will help you clarify your deepest desire and see what I can do to help you meet it.