Want Better Sex? Get on Speaking Terms With Your Pelvis
How often do you pay attention between what’s in between your belly button and your knees?
Most of us ignore it 99% of the time. We pleasure ourselves, wash, ensure we’re properly covered with clothes, and otherwise politely pretend the area doesn’t exist.
However, this has vast implications. What you focus on grows and what you ignore fades.
When it’s an entire area of your body you’re ignoring, serious repercussions are bound to happen. This can show up as lack of libido, difficulty getting or keeping erections, weak orgasms, lack of pleasure during sex, and a plethora of less-than-desirable sexual experiences.* But the most common side effect is pelvic numbness.
Now, I’m not talking about the type of numbness that comes from being paralyzed or anesthetized. I’m talking about a very subtle kind of lack of feeling. If you pause to notice, there are quiet, interior sensations all throughout your body all the time.
Think butterflies in your stomach, skin crawling, a weight in your chest, etc., but more far more slight. It may take some training to really sensitize yourself to these minute, internal sensations but once you do it will shock you how alive your body is all the time. If you’re like most people, when you tune into your pelvis and everything that resides there you will find that it’s pretty numb compared to other areas.
I have seen this time and time again while working with my clients. They can feel subtle sensations inside their head, their heart, their belly, even their arms and feet, but then when I ask what sensations they feel in their pelvis... Nothing. Some even describe it like a heavy fog, like the essence of nothingness.
It’s heartbreaking to experience. Once you really notice how little you feel “down there” compared to other areas of your body, any problems you’ve been having in your sex-life start to make sense. There is an inherent sadness from being disconnected from such an important part of you. It’s a whole section of your body that has atrophied away from your lived experience.
This numbness comes from a lack of neuronal connection. Our sexual organs are built to be exquisitely sensitive, but if you don’t consciously connect to this area much your brain isn’t going to put much emphasis on the signals that come from it.
This disconnection is in part a result of our cultural sex-negativity. This sexual repression stems from authoritarian religions, patriarchy (affecting men, women, and everyone in between), as well as sexual trauma and harassment.
When there are messages all around you, spoken and unspoken, that your sexuality is reprehensible or putting you physically at risk you’re going to unconsciously downplay it. When you have been told your entire life to ignore your sexuality until marriage or you’ll be rejected by your community, you’re going to disconnect yourself from it as much as you can.
Even if you were raised in a pretty positive environment these messages are like cultural air pollution. It probably affects you to a degree, even if you’re not directly aware of it.
But it doesn’t have to be this way.
You may start out numb or shutdown, but if you focus on your sexuality, it will grow. When it starts growing, amazing things happen.
More connection to your pelvis means more pleasure and more pleasure means living more fully. Pleasure is joy’s fertilizer. If you increase the amount of feeling good that you experience you will live with ever-greater levels of vibrancy and aliveness, even if your outside circumstances stay the same.
In addition to more pleasure pathways and all the benefits that can bring, you can actually use your sexuality and the subtle sensations of your body and pelvis to heal whatever trauma, extreme or low-grade, that haunts you. When living in a rape culture, most of us have some amount of trauma we carry. We could all use some sexual healing.
In the world of somatic trauma healing (resolving issues on a bodily level rather than exclusively on a thought-based level) this focus on subtle sensation is crucial. These little sensations are threads you can follow to deeply buried feelings. By allowing yourself to feel what you never let yourself feel healing gently unfolds. Though more intense therapies may be necessary depending on the severity of the trauma, reconnecting with your pelvis can be a huge first step in resolving it.
Tapping into your sexuality can have an intensely spiritual effect. From the perspective of Kundalini Yoga, a huge amount of power resides at the base of your spine. This is called Kundalini and is considered to be pure goddess energy. By focusing on your sexuality and connecting to your entire pelvis, you prepare your physical body and energy body for Kundalini to wake up and rise up your spine. This rising is an incredibly sacred experience called a Kundalini awakening that will never leave you the same.
No matter where you’re at in your relationship with your sexuality or what you desire to heal or experience, increasing your connection to your body is always the first step. Here is a gentle way to build and strengthen those neuronal pathways over time.
Relax. Take a few deep breaths and really arrive in your moment. Notice your body, how gravity is pulling on it. Come home to the present moment.
Scan your body, looking for the subtlest of internal sensations you can find. Think “a sinking feeling in my stomach” or “a lightness in my heart” kind of sensations. Sometimes they’re so subtle you almost think you’re imagining it.
When you find a sensation, describe it out loud in a sentence using the structure “I feel _____ in my ____.” I feel a tension in my belly. I feel a warmth in my shoulder. I feel a pressure in my hip.
Turn your attention to your pelvis. Don’t touch yourself. Go through each little piece of anatomy that you have inside and out and describe the sensations using “I feel ___ in my _____. “ I feel a tickling in my ovaries. I feel a gentle pleasure in the opening of my vagina. I feel a slight heaviness in the head of my penis.
This practice is incredibly effective, but you must be patient with it. It takes 6-8 weeks for new neuronal pathways to form so you may need to repeat this for a while, especially if you’re very numb or have a history of sexual trauma.
Remember, numbness is also a sensation. The first time I did this practice I basically said “I feel numb in my labia. I feel numb in my clitoris. I feel numb… I feel numb…” Numbness does not mean you’ve failed or are doing it wrong. Just keep practicing and the sensations will come.
It’s totally normal for unexpected emotions to crop up such as fear or sadness. Your body holds onto emotions, so when really focusing on your internal sensations it’s natural for those held, frozen emotions to bubble up.
When you’re truly tapped into your pelvis and all the sexual organs there, your physical seat becomes the foundation for your entire life. Your sexuality and body becomes a root that supports all your creativity, your pleasure, and your aliveness.
In addition, because of this strengthened neuronal connection, your orgasms and pleasure go to a whole new level. Sexual experiences become intense, almost drug-like. This connection allows you to fully experience your sexual birthright.
So try speaking with your pelvis more often. Be aware. Take notice of what’s going on. Focus on it and see what grows.
*There can, of course, be purely physical, medical causes for many sexual issues. However, the sexual organs are deeply psychosomatic and may need more than just a pill or a cream to be fully resolved.