Want Sex More Than Your Partner? Here’s What to Do

Photo by Lava Lavanda on Unsplash

Photo by Lava Lavanda on Unsplash


An insatiable libido may seem like a good thing.

But mine affected every relationship I ever had.

I always wanted sex more than my partner. No matter my partner’s gender, age, or hormone levels, they just couldn’t keep up with my appetite.

Each relationship started off hot with my new partner overjoyed at my desire. But after a while, it always ended up with me wanting it far more often than my partner did, leading to all sorts of issues in the rest of our relationship.

I’m not alone. Difference in sex drive is incredibly common in couples of all stripes. Even those that want sex the same amount, say one time a week, may differ in their timing. One partner may be filled with lust at 8pm on Tuesday and another at 9am on Saturday. 

The flavor of sex desired may be different as well. One partner may crave a daily quickie while the other wants an hours-long love-making session once every other weekend.

In hetero couples, the stereotype says that the man wants it almost constantly and the woman could do without for months or years at a time. Like most stereotypes, this creates harmful ideas about men who “can’t help themselves” and women who should just “lay back and think of England.” 

However, from what I have seen professionally with hetero couples, it is just as (if not more) common for the woman to have greater lust than the man. This is especially true once she has done conscious work on her sexuality. Awakened female lust is a fearsome thing to behold!

Even unawakened female lust can be pretty intense. Before I found tantra and holistic sexuality, I just resented the hell out of my partners (and they resented me in return). The conditioning I grew up with told me that they owed me something. Deep down, I thought they were somehow broken or not enough. I did my best to be patient, but a primal resentment was always there.

Through my deeper education about sexuality, I learned that a low-libido can stem from a whole range of possibilities. There are some people that are just simply born with a lower sex drive. However, a lack of desire can also be the result of one or many deeper underlying issues.

It can stem from medical issues such as hormone imbalance or overexposure to plastics. It can come from societal or religious conditioning that sex is dirty, shameful, or immoral. It might stem from sexual trauma, either overt sexual assault or the low-grade trauma of living in a rape culture. Sometimes, it comes from just a really stressed out life in a modern world. 

Most of these issues can be healed or reduced through sexual healing practices. However, these practices are only effective if the affected person wants and chooses to do the work and go through the healing process. 

Shoving healing on your partner so you can get laid will never go well. You can invite them to do sexual healing work with you (we could all use some), but they are on their own journey and must choose it for themselves.

So other than masturbate a lot, cheat, or leave the relationship, what is a high sex drive person to do?

It may not seem it sometimes, but your incredible desire is an amazing thing. With the right techniques, such as the one outlined below, you can harness your sexual energy to give you more energy and aliveness. You can use this un-used horniness to nourish your body and live more vibrantly.

Here is a basic, Daoist-inspired practice for making your lust work for you rather than against you. You can do it anytime, anywhere, with your clothes on and no preparation. (I used to do this on the bus or when I was bored in work meetings.) 

  1. Breathe into your ovaries or testicles, noticing the horny pressure there. Imagine this horny pressure is a ball of light. Ignore anatomy for a moment and breathe into this ball of light. Visualize it moving slightly with each breath.

  2. Take a small inhale, a sip of breath, and move this ball of light to your vulva or penis where it collects more sexual energy.

  3. Take a 2nd small inhale, move the ball of light to your perineum, and collect more sexual energy.

  4. Take a 3rd small inhale and move the ball of light to your anus, collecting any remaining sexual energy. Exhale.

  5. Inhale slowly and deeply, imagining this ball of light moving up your spine with your breath, diffusing into and nourishing your back of your body.

  6. Exhale slowly and fully, imagining this ball of light moving down the front of your face and body, all the way back to your ovaries or testicles, diffusing into and nourishing the front of your body. Touch the tip of your tongue to the roof of your mouth to facilitate this downward movement.

  7. Repeat this loop with a deep breath for 5-10 repetitions, or as many times as needed.

When used regularly, this gentle practice can make such a difference in a relationship with differing desires. Nothing can replace the magic of sex with your partner, but harnessing your sexual energy with this practice can definitely take the edge off. 

In addition, repurposing your desire this way lets you use the energy for other things, such as getting through the day more gracefully, creating something amazing, or simply nourishing your body and spirit.

In some contexts, high sexual desire may seem like a burden, but taking care of your sexuality lets you honor and love yourself in a profound way. By fulfilling your own needs, you have a more solid foundation to honor your partner’s quieter libido and give them the spaciousness they need to thrive. 


If you are loving this content and want to dive deeper, let’s meet! Sign-up for a free consultation. In this call, I will help you clarify your deepest desire, see if we’re a good fit, and teach you a customized technique tailored to your specific situation. 

If you have any questions about this article, your free consultation, or anything else please tweet me @MKsacredsex or send an email to michelle@michellekildare.com